A lot of weeks, the Letters start as a series of emails to myself. I've been working hard recently to get things back into a routine after what turned out to be a pretty hectic...well, year, overall. Adjusting to a much bigger house has my cleaning schedule all out of whack, our food situation has been abysmal (not really my job, but all of our moods feed into the problem), and in general the approach to things has been haphazard at best. It was really grinding me down.
I keep a self-motivation playlist, which is a lot more sing-along Broadway songs than I imagine the average person uses, and the two opening numbers from Waitress have been on rotation in that list for several years now. Despite that, I'd never been able to listen through the full album, because it's a JOURNEY and it was too many feelings. Then we talked about it on The Parent Rap and I decided to finally listen to it through, and OOF, is all. I've been gutted, but I also can't stop listening to it.
One of the songs that keeps dragging me into feelings land is the one quoted above, and I feel so tangled up in it. The first line in particular sends me 'round the bend a little, but a lot of them have the same double meaning for me, between what they say to me and what they'd say to my mom.
It's no secret that Mom Stuff is rough on me the past few years, but in one of the very earliest editions of this newsletter, I wrote a little bit about my mom's idealism and how I still feel it's something worth believing in. Despite everything, I think she has always wanted to be a version of herself who loved the world, who had People, who did Good. That version of herself and that version of myself have a lot in common, and while I can't speak with any authority whatsoever on whether that version of her exists these days, I hope that version of me does. I hope that, now that there's a bit of distance and time between me and the before/after divide on this situation, I'm able to consider things in a way that lets me use the good.
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